I killed a huntsman spider two nights ago. All on my own. Sorry I don't have a picture, I was too busy watching it making sure it didnt run into my bedroom. Like the two before it that Emily G killed, it wasn't even close to being full size. Full size huntsmen spiders can be as big as dinner plates, but this one was probably the size of the bottom of a glass, leg-span-wise.
The thing about huntsmen is that they are fast. I came out of the bathroom ready to brush my teeth and go to bed, and there it was on the opposite wall. I froze and watched it for a few minutes. It finally ran across Emmilly's door and up to the ceiling. I quick got my toothbrush and brushed my teeth while watching it. I then ran into the living room to find a book that I could throw at it. I chose a Fodor's travel book. The thing made its way down the hallway, on the crown moulding. I had to wait until it got on the wall to smack it, because I needed a flat surface. I grabbed a fly swatter and tried to steer it off the wall. It noticed me standing there, faced me, JUMPED off the ceiling and landed on the carpet and started CHARGING at me!
My heart sort of clutched in my chest but then I whacked it really hard with the fly swatter and it squirmed and then I took both my hands on the book, reared them up over my head and slammed the book down on it with full force.
It died. It was like 3 am so I wrote an apology on our chalkboard-painted-dining-room-table that I was sorry if the slams woke anyone.
Then today, I am taking a shower, and I completely slip on the tub floor, crash back and bum first into the sliding glass doors (knocking them off their tracks) and adding about ten more cracks to them, before sliding down sideways in the tub, scrunched up waiting for the soap to go down the drain a bit so I could get back up. I hear Cal yelling if I was okay, because I'm pretty sure I hit a lot of stuff and tried to catch myself a bunch of times, but I don't really remember it in my blind panic.
Then I had a horrendous amount of adrenaline. I rinsed my hair, and slowly finished everything, not wanting to fall again. We were stupid not to have a rubber mat inside the shower, and I was stupid not to wear flip flops. I'd gone in bare foot before and didnt fall any of those times...but I guess I was a bit overzealous this time...I dont really know. But my pride was hurt more than anything until I realized that since I knocked both of the doors off track, I couldn't slide them to get OUT of the tub.
I finally got one to move a bit, and had to slide it just enough to squeeze my fat self out of there, and then had to dodge tiny glass shards while I got my towels. The glass shower doors are textured on the outside, so when I cracked them from the inside, the pieces of the texture that were on the cracks, cracked off. It's hard to explain, but they were akin to taking textured glass and slicing off the extremities.
I put clothes on, put my hair up, and swept all of the glass shards slowly onto the bath mat. Then I got the vacuum. Then the vacuum insisted on sticking to the thin bath mat instead of sucking up the glass. So then I had to shake out all the glass, throw the bath mat outside to beat it later, and vacuum and mop the floor.
Once it was all clear to the best of my knowledge, it really hit me how lucky I am to be alive. It sounds melodramatic, but I am damn lucky that the glass doors didn't completely shatter on me, or that even though they were off track, they still didn't fall on me. I'm lucky that I didn't slip while squeezing out of the shower and falling on the microscopic textured glass shards. I'm lucky that I didn't knock myself out and have to have my friend's husband see me naked while rescuing me from the slippery tub.
And all the while all I could think of was the episode of the Big Bang Theory where Kaley slips in the shower and Sheldon says, "Not surprising. You have no safety mat, or adhesive stickers that allow for purchase on a surface with a low coefficient of static friction."
"What??"
"....Tubs are slippery."
I guess I am also lucky that I didn't dislocate my shoulder like Penny did while falling. At least she had a shower curtain to grab while falling and then cover herself while being saved. I would have been a naked pile of bleeding ribbons with a shampooey scalp if the worst happened.
Anyway!
That is what I have been up to! Killing spiders and falling in the shower. I also got a call from one of the 30 applications I sent out in the last four days, but it turned out to be for a pyramid scheme so I didn't call them back. This is the wonders of Google, ladies and gentlemen. I looked up the woman's name and the phone number and got all of these pages about what the "privately advertised" company was.
Tomorrow I am going grocery shopping, hoping to pick up a lot of healthy things instead of the cheap things I have been getting. I've had salad and vegetables a lot but I really need to cut back on the pasta. My only protein really is cheeseburgers. I'll be eating more kangaroo from now on - it's like 99.9% lean. I'm also gonna get some chicken. Chicken has always scared me, ever since I first heard that raw chicken kills people. I don't like handling it, I feel like I'm going to die a slow bacterial death just from picking up the foam packaging. But I figure the rate of salmonella poisoning is ridiculously low in any country other than America...because pretty much every country but America cares about the animals' health before they are slaughtered....
This is not the last blog post I'll have in the coming days!
I need to discuss some trip plans :) I also have been slowly compiling a comedic list for everyone, so look out :)
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